Holiday Negotiations

Editor’s Note: The Tech Writer Curmudgeon debuted in 2011 with this  entertaining missive to Santa in our first “All I want for Christmas” in 2011.  Enjoy this request to negotiate some wishes for the season.

Dear Santa,

While I know that our counsels have advised both of us to cease communications, and that the final resolution stated that we “agreed” that the squirrels and wind could have caused some of the damage to my roof, the “poo” I found clogging my gutters and empty whiskey bottle near my chimney certainly couldn’t have been the fault of those fuzzy little pests.  The poo was too large, and without thumbs I don’t see how they could move the bottle up there.

However, I’m not writing to bring up old grievances.  No, I was inspired by that Virginia girl and the free postage opportunity provided by Macy’s.  I tried reaching out via Google’s hotline and while nowhere in their terms and conditions did it say I wasn’t supposed to use profanity, apparently they chose to arbitrarily delete my message before sending it to you.

This note is more to bury the hatchet and see if things can be patched up in 2012.  I now know the Holiday Horrors Halloween decorations were completely out of line, and putting venison and milk out last Christmas Eve was in bad taste.  I’ve been able to calm the neighbors down by explaining that I’m certain Santa does a lot of the chainsaw work at the North Pole and that accidents happen.  They and Mrs. C (wife) have suggested that I not provide as much detail in my decorations next year.  And, frankly it took a while for the red dye to fade off the lawn.  Before I forget, if you’re curious: tenderize the venison and then add a little Worcester and soy sauce before putting it in the smoker.

During the largest part of our argument last year, I’d mentioned having deep contacts with NORAD.  While true, I now realize that it was unfair and uncalled for, but before you get the wrong idea, another friend from school is a Ranger.  He’s assured me that a quick snow strike is possible and could be arranged fairly quickly.

My wish is that we can move past our current differences.  You seem to have a mean streak hidden below the great public relations, one that’s unmatched by your Easter Bunny and Great Pumpkin contemporaries.  They’ve laughed off the rabbit’s foot decorations and pumpkin pie gifts, but not you.  Oh no.

Two left shoes, Windows Millennium, and Vaseline as gifts last year?  Really?  Not so very Ho, Ho, Ho – Merry Christmas is it?

This year TechWhirl’s editorial board voted to support Christmas rather than Festivus.  You’re supposed to know everything so I doubt this is news to you.  This renewed support was contingent on you including better “toy assembly” instructions with your deliveries.  No more fragmented language or mangled work processes.

Here’s to looking forward to a great 2012: the end to our litigation, better presents, and better directions for all.  And to all a good night.



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