Post-Zombie Apocalypse Feature: The Cross-Metabolic Work Force

Published April 2034

TechWhirl, The Online Magazine & Discussions for Post-Zombie Apocalypse Tech Writers

A New Dawn for the Undead Work Force

Practical considerations still require that zombies be “physically restrained to protect both the dead and undead from the flesh-and-brain-seeking behavior we’re still trying to understand.” However, with the demand for skilled labor reaching crisis levels, more and more companies are transitioning skilled members of the infected back to work.

A Society for the Protection of American Zombies spokesperson said, “We have every confidence that bringing zombies back to work is the right thing to do. Though they may still crave human flesh and brains, awareness programs help and recent medications have proved very effective in curbing cannibalistic appetites.” (See Related Article.)

Cross-Metabolic Teamwork

To build effective cross-metabolic teams, it’s time to rethink meeting with and interviewing subject matter experts and partnering with team members.  Al Martine, head of Pepsi Corporation’s documentation and communications team (and recently deceased), has been working with zombies for the last five years to study the emerging zombie audience, work force, and marketplace.  Here are some tips he shared with TechWhirl.

Do’s and Don’ts of Cross-Metabolic Work Force

DON’T Ask to Pick Someone’s Brain. DO Plan Appropriate Restraint Services/Tools.
At Pepsi, we were surprised at how sensitive and irritable zombies can be about verbal cues. In zombie culture, “to pick someone’s brain” is a horrible insult. It suggests that their brain is not worthy of being consumed with gusto. We found that about 25% of our meeting rooms and all shared spaces required tethering and other restraint devices.  Ankle bracelets were ineffective.  Pain or reproach does not inhibit a zombie frenzy.   Politely offer to tether your coworker to an anchored table or large piece of furniture. They’ll thank you for it.
DON’T Form a Brain Trust. DO Use Your Zs.
This will turn well-managed zombie into a rampaging fiend. Culturally, they tend to reject groups that come together to come up with ideas that create work.  Beyond that, such use of delicious brains is nearly a desecration of the most sacred organ in (or out) of the human body. This discovery was purely an accident.  A typo in an instruction left a stray “z” where an “s” was called for.  Reviews revealed that compliance on the activity was 100% among zombie(z).  Typically, z is a relatively infrequently used letter in English. When we increased “z” usage, zombie execution became flawlezz.
DON’T Ever Have Brainstorming Sessions. DO Monitor Cheeto Consumption.
“Brainstorming” seems to tap a deep well of cultural memories among zombies. It suggests an open buffet to zombies and word will spread faster than 28-Days-Later (28DL) type zombies run.  One time, twenty minutes after one of our interns sent out a brainstorming meeting request to a cross-metabolic team, a Yoga class that was then using the proposed conference room was attacked by a frenzied zombie hoard.  We had to cancel Yoga for the rest of the week. I promise I’m not just trying to plug one of our products here, but as many of you know, medicated zombies need Cheetoz.  We keep a supply in every conference room and keep a close eye on consumption. We’ve actually worked with Pottery Barn to get specially marked bowls made that help us monitor consumption over time.  Too much in the bowl means someone’s meds are wearing off. Too little in the bowl simply means it’s time to refill.
DON’T Say that Something is a No-brainer. DO Implement a Meeting Schedules Policy
If you’ve ever seen a weeping zombie, you know it’s not anything you want to see again. The phrase “no-brainer” will immediately jet any remaining bodily fluids from a zombie’s eye sockets. (In our interview, Martine choked back oozy tears just offering this advice.) He went on to say, “The cleaning bills alone will kill your profit margin!” Current anti-cannibal medications are effective for up to two or three hours.  We found that some of our best zombie employees (in high demand at meetings) struggled to maintain appropriate dosages to keep flesh- and brain-seeking behaviors in check. Though we’d been discussing it for years, the return of the zombie work force has really driven the implementation of company meeting policies that give people time between meetings to take a bio-break or dose up.  Zombies appreciate it and the living love it too!

Related Article

Unraveling a Mystery: Why zombie legislators outnumber the living ten to one.

Washington Post ZA, Undead Section

Image Source: MSN Entertainment

It’s no secret that the legislators’ offices on Capitol Hill have a dramatically higher average population of the undead than those in any other profession, race or group. Recent numbers show that the post-zombie apocalypse infection rate of politicians is approximately 1000% higher than non-politicians. But why?  Until today, we could only speculate.

Today, researchers at Johns Hopkins announced that they may have discovered the “cannibal” gene. Dr. E. T. Amigdalla at the independently funded Joint Center for Undead Genomic Research told reporters, “The same genes that are responsible for the cannibalistic behavioral changes we see in the undead are dominant in almost all people inclined to politics.  Furthermore this specific gene set has been tied to the somewhat unusual practice of back biting and to cannibal behaviors in the animal world.”

Though further research will be required to unlock how the gene works, “It’s now just a matter of time until we understand not just zombie genetics, but finally, what makes politicians the way they are.” Amigdalla said.


Related Article

Pepsi Co. (PEP) Stock Prices Soar, Gears up Cheetoz Surge.

Wall Ztreet Journal

Cheetoz (recently changed spelling) may not need a new marketing campaign for a long, long time.  Parent company, PepsiCo, stock prices rose 120% this week with the recent FDA approval of anti-cannibalistic medications that have the unusual side effect of causing zombies to crave Cheetoz by the bagful.  The increase in demand for Frito-Lay company’s cheesy snack is driving significantly increased production to meet demand and fast-tracked plans to build eight new factories world-wide.

On Tuesday, the company announced that they are “pleased to provide a product to an underserved market” and have donated over 5 million snack packs of Cheetoz and medication to third world countries that do not have ready access to either.

Social media rumors abound that famously zombified former dancer, Paula Abdul, will do a remake of the 1990’s “Opposites Attract” music video with a reanimated Chester Cheeto. The original music video featured Abdul with since retired animated cool cat, MC Skat Kat.


Anna Gosling

12 years ago

WOW!! What a great way to start my day! Hilarious! Thank you so much!

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