A tongue-in-cheek guide to losing your work/life balance.
- Family time is ideal work time. When you’re out with the family, never ignore work emails. Take a moment to read and reply to each message, even if no one’s expecting you to be in the office on a Saturday. Your children will forgive you when they’ve had enough therapy; your spouse will finally have a reason for talking to you. Don’t forget to sleep with your Smartphone. Prove your dedication by writing emails at 3 a.m.
- Work, work, work. If you can cram more than 50 hours into every week, then you’re winning. Everything will even out later when you burn out and have to take a forced “vacation”.
- Exercise is for losers. Keep toned by balancing your laptop on your gut. It works your core muscles.
- Who needs sleep? Not you. Experts say that 6 hours a night (with a break for 3 a.m. email writing) is more than enough time for you to almost convince yourself and your spouse that you have overcome the zombie effect. Anything more just means you’re lazy. Remember, caffeine is an excellent sleep substitute.
- Always look for a better job, beginning on the first day of the new gig. Let your ambition flit you from one job to another, where you never really grow into any position. A sense of work satisfaction means you’ve stopped one job short of the perfect job.
- Stop learning. You know everything already.
- Eat with one hand, on the go. The faster you eat, the more work you can do. If you have to sacrifice quality food for speed, do it! That burger is going to fuel your brain for days! And don’t forget to master technique: learn to eat with one hand while you type and talk on the phone at the same time.
Follow these tips and the quality of your work is bound to improve. You’ll feel so good about yourself, you won’t even notice the heartburn and the general malaise that will result. Or the sticky keyboard. Or the new suit size. Or the family therapy bill. Or the pink slip.